Every summer Hollywood lets loose with all the good stuff they've been holding back all year long. For months they have been teasing you with sneak peeks and trailers building up a level of excitement and anticipation the like of which have not been since last summer.
I kinda looked forward to this summer, as the promise of getting to see Speed Racer or my childhood hero, Indiana Jones on the silver screen is about one of three things that can actually lure me out of my house (fire and the next Dresden Files book are the others). Unfortunately, I blinked and missed Speed Racer, and it's too hot outside to leave my climate controlled home to see Indy. That's what HBO is for. And trust me, the way they loop a movie and play it to death, there will be more than ample opportunity to see them both. Twice.
But this year, Hollywood thinks I was in a severe car crash and now have to eat blended mashed potatoes through a straw while watching the high drama and suspense of the Wonder Pets on Nick Jr.
Wasn't there a Hulk movie out not but just a couple of years ago? I remember the gigantic Hulk statue inside Madam Tussaud's and taking a picture of my husband next to it. And correct me if I am wrong or out of line here, but didn't it also suck so bad that we all left the theater with a severe case of wind burn?
I can't seem to recall who the big villain was in that movie, who the writers and producers thought we wanted to see the Hulk smash-oh, wait a minute, I do remember. It was a Dog. That's right, they injected not one, or two, but three Dogs with green juice and set them after the Hulk. They were large breed Dogs and fairly mean, they did bark a lot prior to being juiced up by Nick Nolte. Hahaha! OMG that movie was awful. No, really, it was. If I want to see a guy smack a dog around, and I DON'T, I can watch one of Animal Planet's dog rescue shows.
And, not for nothing, the Hulk as a character was totally unbelievable. I don't mean the acting, cause, lets face it, Lou Ferrigno will always own that role. I'm, talking about that dreadful animation. It was like a bunch of guys who dropped out of DeVry did it on a lap top they stole from some high school out in the mid west. How hard can decent animation be? A long time ago when Jurassic Park came out the whole world thought they were looking at dinosaurs, and that was with what we would now consider old, aka "cheap," special effects.
There was this one part of the movie, I think it was about an hour and a half long, where the Hulk was in a secret army base in Utah and then just started running and jumping and smashing. He destroyed tanks and planes and bombs and managed to skip right over school buses and flower beds. Then he saw the love interest, Betty, and calmed down and the movie ended. It was right before the part where he beat up three dogs. Before that were the opening credits.
So now this new Hulk movie is out, and everyone is going on about how great it's gonna be. Hello! The Hulk movie is not really about the Hulk. It's just a really cheap way to prep movie goers for the Avengers movie that is scheduled to come out in a few years.
And who else is sick and tired of people saying "Oh, don't you just love Ed Norton?" Ummm, the guy from the Honeymooners? That was my first reaction. I had no idea who he was. As it turns out, he was that guy opposite Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Ironic that the movie poster for Fight Club was a bar of soap and Brad Pitt looked like he needed to be hit with a pressure washer. I know that's not what the soap "represented" but Brad did look really dirty. mmmmm.
Ed Norton. Indeed. Why would you take that name if you had the choice of all of the names that ever were or could be. At least use some sexy or talented guy's name! Or even take a page out of Marilynn Manson's book for Pete's sake, combine two perfectly good celebrity names into one neat original one. If I ever grow up to be a Hollywood movie star you can bet I'm not gonna call myself Rosie O'Donnel or Godzilla. But Rosie Rodan, that has promise.
I also really wanted to see the new Batman movie too, Dark Knight, but then poor Heath Ledger had to go and die. I cried when I heard. I'll miss him, but not for nothing, this movie was so totally gonna rock. It was gonna be Justin Bale's big break, no more would he be "that guy from American Psycho," but rather, the Batman! Sadly, between the early reviews and news articles, and months of sneak peaks and on-line flamers, the talk of a posthumous Oscar, the latest reviews and newest commercials... I'm board of it already, and the movie is still like a month away from being released. Makes me want to see that Dragonball movie coming out next year. James Marsters is gonna play the role of Piccolo. Did anyone else just feel that breeze?
But here's the worst insult of all. Someone let M. Night Shyamalan make another movie. Bad people, BAD! When are they gonna learn? All his movies, all, ever single last one - ALL have a twist ending that Stevie Wonder can see coming. The stories are at best "alright," at least three characters have to whisper everything they say, and not a single film he's ever made is worth the gas it would take to drive to the theater. Don't believe me, here's what critics have to say about his new movie - it has a "R" rating. Oooooo. That's the best thing so far. An "R" rating. So what. Wanna impress me? How about this movie make a lick of sense! Keep me in my seat, at the very least keep me awake.
I can't control myself any longer, spoiler alert - and I use the word "spoiler" very, very loosely.
Here's the thing, if trees were ever going to develop some sort of chemical warfare that singled out and killed humans:
1. NY City would be about the safest place you could be and not where the movie takes place. The Sahara desert would be the second safest place. The Amazon River Basin and Yellowstone National Park would be killing fields, not Manhattan. 2. Maybe one plant, or even hell let's go crazy, one entire species of plant could develop such a power, but all plants everywhere all at once, no, not gonna happen. The animation in the Hulk is more believable.
So, what have we learned about Hollywood's summer blockbuster movies? With the price of gas and the heat, I'm advising that everyone get Netflicks and let the downloading begin. You can do it from the safety of you're own climate controlled environment, pause the movie, use your own toilet, and enjoy a snack you didn't have sell a kidney on E-Bay to be able to afford. That's what I plan on doing. Provided of course no one sets my house on fire while I'm reading the next Dresden Files book. Can't wait for book 11 to hit the shelves!
Theresa Bane - qtr - T
Vampirologist, Buzzy Multimedia Columnist & Expert Movie Reviewer
http://www.buzzymultimedia.com - Buzzy Multimedia
0 comments:
Post a Comment